“WHY HIM, NOT ME?!” — KIM KABOOM FURIOUS HE WASN’T BOMBED BY CRUMP TOO
Sockman & Fish confront the Rocket Tantrum Heard ’Round the World
From The Rinse Report Field Unit: Live from Mt. Snackdoom, North Nothingstan
By Fish & Sockman | Moderated by confusion and ambient missile noise
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In an interview that began with shouting and ended with fireworks, Supreme Grandmaster Boom-Boom Kim Kaboom accused the United States of “geopolitical favouritism” for bombing Imam Abdul Detonati’s bunker rave and not his.
> “I have sky baguettes too!” screamed Kaboom, standing atop a gold-plated hover tank named Majestic Gurgle. “I’ve been threatening global stability since 2009! Where’s MY airstrike?! Where’s MY overreaction?!”
Sockman, wearing his Press Cape (laundered), attempted to de-escalate:
> “Mr. Kaboom, can you clarify—are you… angry you weren’t bombed?”
> “YES! I rehearsed a retaliation ballet and everything!”
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🎙️ FISH: “ARE YOU OKAY, OR IS THIS A CRY FOR BLAST ATTENTION?”
Fish, wielding his foam-covered Rinse Report mic and barely holding back a snort, pressed harder:
> “You mean to say you want Rumpled Crump to bomb you, just because he bombed Detonati’s rave?”
> “Exactly!” said Kaboom, eyes glistening with rage and glitter. “Detonati got bass and bombs. I only got ignored. What’s the point of having 74 statues of me holding a missile if nobody respects my explosive vibes?”
Kaboom then threw a tantrum so loud it was picked up by NASA’s sadness sensors.
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💣 “HE BOMBED THE DJ!” — THE INTERNATIONAL RESPONSE
Last week, President Rumpled Crump authorized a surprise airstrike on Detonati’s studio after misinterpreting the tweet:
“Dropping the beat tonight. Don’t miss it. #BOOMseason”
Kaboom claims he retweeted the same hashtag hours earlier with a photo of himself juggling grenades atop a satellite dish:
> “AND NO ONE CARED! Crump bombs Detonati over dubstep. I post a flame-emoji GIF and get nothing but silence!”
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🪖 GENERAL IRONWITZ RESPONDS
General Shalom Ironwitz issued a statement from a secure room full of eagles and graphs:
> “We do not bomb people just because they feel left out. Except on Wednesdays.”
He later added:
> “Kaboom is a deeply unstable bowling champion with deeply symmetrical military parades. But he’s not a DJ, and Crump only attacks DJs now.”
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🧠 SOCKMAN: “I THINK HE WANTS TO BE LOVED. LOUDLY.”
In a post-interview debrief, Sockman told The Rinse Report:
> “He’s not looking for war. He’s looking for applause disguised as conflict.”
Fish disagreed:
> “Nah, mate. He’s looking for a fight disguised as performance art. He called one of his nukes DJ BoomBoom Deluxe.”
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🎆 CHAOS UNFOLDS
As the interview concluded, Kaboom fired three ceremonial missiles labeled “Sky Baguette,” “Sky Bagel,” and “Sky Croissant” directly into international waters, then performed a solo interpretive dance called “Regret in G Minor.”
He then invited Sockman and Fish to a state-sanctioned fireworks rave, which was abruptly cancelled when Fish unplugged the sound system to “see what happens.”
> “It was glorious,” Fish later said. “He wept. A flag caught fire. Someone played bongos. No one died. 9/10.”
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📣 NEXT ON THE RINSE REPORT:
Crump tweets ‘DJ Detonati owes me royalties.’
Lord Quietude sues Iran for “excessive decibels.”
Fish releases a mixtape: “Detonation & Domestos – The Club Mix.”
Sockman asks the U.N. for earplugs and a nap.
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