🐟 Fish’s Totally Unqualified AstroForecast 23rd June 2025
Week of June 23 – Guided by Pint Foam and Lawn Bowl Bounce
Hello again, stargazers and sock-losers. It’s your celestial commentator, Fish—Sockman’s off-centre sidekick, local bowls legend, and ordained priest in the Church of Loud Guitars and Lukewarm Ale.
The skies this week look like a squashed custard cream and smell vaguely of regret. Let’s see what the cosmos has shoved down the back of the metaphorical sofa.
♈ Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19)
Planetary Mood: Full throttle, no map
Your week kicks off like a firework in a tumble dryer. Good for drama, bad for subtlety. Try not to fight everyone. Especially not your neighbour’s ferret.
Metal track to scream at the moon: “Speed Elbow Apocalypse” by TorqueWeasel
♉ Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)
Planetary Mood: Solid, stubborn, slightly pickled
You’re determined to have a “quiet one,” but fate has other ideas and they involve karaoke. Midweek brings a revelation involving snacks, trousers, or both.
Lucky snack: Cheese strings you forgot were in the fridge. Still good.
♊ Gemini (May 21–Jun 20)
Planetary Mood: Twin-engine nonsense machine
Social life’s on fire, but so is your inbox. You’ll accidentally agree to something major while trying to order chips. Good luck explaining that to your boss/spiritual coach/mum.
Cosmic warning: If a pigeon looks at you funny, walk away.
♋ Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22)
Planetary Mood: Weepy but weaponised
You’re feeling deep. Like, writing poetry about your washing up deep. That’s fine—just don’t send it to your ex or post it with 47 hashtags. Let the bowls ground you.
Fish says: Emotional depth is good. So is not texting Greg at 1:13 a.m.
♌ Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22)
Planetary Mood: Spotlight-craving with heat rash
You’re strutting. You’re shining. You’re one dramatic shrug away from starting a musical number in Aldi. Just remember: not everything’s about you. Unless it is. Which it might be. Stay ready.
Power move: Enter every room this week to the sound of an air horn.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22)
Planetary Mood: Mentally cleaning out people’s junk drawers
You’ve made a to-do list. It’s laminated. Impressive, but no one asked. Try loosening your grip on perfection and your Tupperware. Friday brings an emotional sock. You’ll know it when you see it.
Ale pairing: Something boring, bitter, and weirdly effective. Like you.
♎ Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22)
Planetary Mood: Trying to keep the peace with a flute and glitter
You’re torn between two parties, three texts, and one philosophical debate with a barista. You will find balance… probably in a pub garden with a questionable mojito.
Lucky colour: Mildly distressed mint.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)
Planetary Mood: Deep and brooding, like a sock full of secrets
You’re in full investigative mode. Someone’s hiding something. Could be love. Could be their browser history. Tread carefully—and dramatically.
Power object: A notebook labelled “DO NOT OPEN.” You made it. You open it. It’s blank. Perfect.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)
Planetary Mood: Philosophical road trip with snacks
You’re seeking adventure but accidentally end up on a council-run bowls tour of Norfolk. Go with it. There’s wisdom in unexpected places—especially the chip van outside Norwich.
Bowls tip: Curve wide, aim low, and wear loud trousers.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)
Planetary Mood: Working too hard to notice the apocalypse
You’re productive this week. Like scary productive. But no one claps. Don’t worry—Fish sees you. Take a break before your spreadsheets achieve sentience.
Lucky encounter: The pub’s quietest corner and an ale that tastes like confidence.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)
Planetary Mood: Slightly magnetic, mostly unstable
You’ve got 13 tabs open in your head and one of them’s playing music. You’ll stumble into something groundbreaking by accident. Could be a new philosophy. Could be a manhole. Who’s to say?
Recommended viewing: Anything narrated by a confused goat.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)
Planetary Mood: Dreamy with undertones of “meh”
Reality’s feeling a bit optional. That’s alright—just don’t forget to feed the cat or reply to basic questions like “Where are you?” You’ll shine midweek during a moment of quiet weirdness.
Lucky charm: A spoon from someone else’s drawer. Don’t return it.
🪐 FINAL COSMIC WORD FROM FISH:
The universe this week is a bit like a cheap ale—frothy on top, confusing in the middle, and unexpectedly meaningful by the end. Don’t try to control it. Just ride it like a lawn bowl with jet boosters.
Until next week,
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