🐟 Fish’s Totally Unqualified AstroForecast 30th June 2025
Week of June 30 – Now With 27% More Cosmic Lint
Alright ya heathens, I’m back—Fish here, intergalactic pint scryer, loud sock consultant, and certified Lawn Bowls Mystic (South Croydon chapter). The sky this week looks like a curry-stained pub quiz answer sheet, and frankly, I trust it more than most politicians.
Let’s see what’s rattling round the celestial dryer, shall we?
♈ Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19)
Planetary Mood: Jet-fuelled gremlin
You kick off July like you’ve been shot out of a party cannon aimed at someone else’s BBQ. High energy, low filter. Midweek brings a shocking revelation—probably that your “casual chat” has started three arguments and a jazz trio.
Fish warns: Don’t challenge a Capricorn to bowls this week. It’ll get biblical.
♉ Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)
Planetary Mood: Patient till payday, then it’s carnage
You’re in slow-burn beast mode. Nothing rattles you—except lukewarm chips and people who say “Let’s circle back.” Friday brings a romantic opportunity disguised as an awkward handshake.
Ale pairing: A pub brew that’s been renamed 6 times and still tastes like soap.
♊ Gemini (May 21–Jun 20)
Planetary Mood: ADHD in a trench coat
You’ve got five plans, three alibis, and no socks. Classic. Monday’s ideal for outrageous ideas; Thursday’s ideal for pretending you didn’t have them. Expect an emotional voice note from someone who uses the word “vibe” too much.
Lucky object: That mystery USB stick you found in a sock drawer. Don’t plug it in.
♋ Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22)
Planetary Mood: Feeling 92 different things and also damp
You’re extra nostalgic this week. Don’t be surprised if you try to reconnect with an old friend, pet, or toaster. Watch out for emotional ambushes disguised as pop songs and lawn clippings.
Bowls tip: Use your tears for extra grip on the jack.
♌ Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22)
Planetary Mood: Flamboyant grandmaster of nonsense
You’re glowing like a disco ball in a blackout. Everyone’s watching. Some are impressed. Some are terrified. Either way, power on. Weekend brings a chance to star in something dramatic—possibly a minor incident at Greggs.
Fashion tip: This week, more sequins = more clarity.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22)
Planetary Mood: Stress-chic with colour-coded trauma
You’ve got lists for your lists and a backup crisis plan if the pub runs out of napkins. Stop trying to control everything. The universe is already laughing at your filing system.
Fish says: Throw one plan in the bin and replace it with crisps.
♎ Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22)
Planetary Mood: Sexy diplomat with decision fatigue
You’re everyone’s agony aunt this week, whether you asked for it or not. Expect DMs from people who “just want your vibe check.” Friday might involve karaoke, emotional confessions, and a kebab that changes your worldview.
Lucky moment: 2:17 p.m. on Thursday. You’ll know.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)
Planetary Mood: Moody wizard at a dive bar
The stars say you’re about to uncover a secret. Could be someone else’s. Could be your own. Could be that you’re allergic to sincerity. Midweek brings passion, confusion, and a suspicious sock.
Warning: Avoid eye contact with Geminis in small rooms.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)
Planetary Mood: Chaotic good with mild indigestion
Adventure calls, and it might be coming from your neighbour’s garage. Don’t overthink it. Go somewhere strange. Talk to weird people. Just don’t join a pyramid scheme that sells “cosmic salt.”
Lucky phrase: “Sorry, I thought that was legal.”
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)
Planetary Mood: Grit, grind, and passive-aggressive productivity
You’re powering through like an angry lawnmower. But deep down, you just want someone to make you a sandwich and acknowledge your spreadsheet wizardry. Midweek brings an emotional curveball and possibly a loose ferret.
Fish says: Take a nap. You’ve earned it. Just not during a meeting again.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)
Planetary Mood: Conspiracy on toast
You’re vibrating at a weird frequency and it’s making pigeons follow you. The good news: you’re inspirational. The bad news: nobody understands your new sock-based belief system. Yet.
Recommended metal album: “Quantum Biscuit Theory” by Chaos Waffle
♓ Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)
Planetary Mood: Emotional puddle with poetic aspirations
You’re sensitive, psychic, and probably haunting your own memories. The stars suggest journaling, crying in the bath, and maybe confronting your feelings via interpretive dance. Or just eat a pie. Same result.
Lucky charm: A spoon you find in your coat pocket that isn’t yours.
🪐 FINAL COSMIC WORD FROM FISH:
This week, the planets are playing lawn bowls with flaming turnips and your horoscope is written in glitter on the back of a beer mat. Trust your instincts. Unless your instincts tell you to text an ex. In that case: bowl them into the void.
Stay sideways,
– Fish 🍺🧦
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