Fish’s Totally Unqualified AstroForecast 14th July 2025

Week of July 14, 2025 – The Stars are Lying Again, Probably

Fish here—Sockman’s beer-scented sidekick and self-appointed Cosmic Lawn Bowls Champion. The planets are clanking around like half a pub band falling down a flight of stairs, so naturally, I’ve taken it upon myself to interpret their chaos for your benefit (and mild confusion).

Let’s crack open the sky and see what’s dribbling out.

♈ Aries (Mar 21–Apr 19)

Planetary Mood: Flamethrower with a broken off-switch
You’re louder, faster, and more accident-prone than a toddler with espresso. Monday’s got “unhinged brilliance” energy, which is code for: don’t try and fix a fence with a hairdryer again.

Lucky moment: When you tell your boss you need “time to align your spirit” and they weirdly agree.

♉ Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)

Planetary Mood: Stubbornly majestic
You’re digging in deeper than a sock in a dryer vortex. That’s fine—just make sure you’re not confusing “grounded” with “emotionally comatose.” Romance might knock, but you’ll likely be busy alphabetising your sauces.

Fish says: Eat something weird this week. It’ll realign your vibes. Or ruin your Tuesday.

♊ Gemini (May 21–Jun 20)

Planetary Mood: Like five raccoons trying to drive a van
You’ve got energy to spare and no idea where to put it. That’s dangerous. Try focusing on one thing at a time. Not three hobbies, two flings, and a pyramid scheme involving sock puppets.

Social tip: Don’t live-tweet your spiritual awakening again.

♋ Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22)

Planetary Mood: Crying into a lasagna
This week’s all heart, no brakes. You’ll be sentimental about literally everything: old postcards, pub coasters, your reflection in a spoon. That’s fine. Just avoid making major decisions while holding a scented candle.

Warning: Someone will ask, “Can we talk?” Say no. Run.

♌ Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22)

Planetary Mood: Royal disaster with glitter
The world’s your stage and you’re not wearing trousers—but you are confident about it. Embrace the chaos. This is your week to be bold, brash, and possibly banned from three karaoke nights.

Power move: Pause dramatically before entering every room.

♍ Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22)

Planetary Mood: Organised panic
You’re trying to keep it together while everyone else is treating reality like it’s optional. Good luck. You may need a flowchart just to explain why you cried in the bread aisle on Thursday.

Fish says: Ditch one plan and replace it with a nap. No one will notice.

♎ Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22)

Planetary Mood: Smooth operator stuck in a group chat
You’re charming your way through the week like a sock salesperson at a nudist beach. Midweek brings a major decision: Go with your gut. Unless your gut is full of halloumi and regret—then maybe sleep on it.

Lucky scent: Fresh-cut grass mixed with minor existential dread.

♏ Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)

Planetary Mood: Like a cryptic crossword with a grudge
You’re deep, mysterious, and terrifyingly good at spotting liars. Someone will try to test you this week—probably during bowls. Don’t rise to it. Just win. Then say something vague and powerful like, “The jack always finds the true path.”

Vibe: Dangerous wisdom with a suspiciously full flask.

♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)

Planetary Mood: Unleashed maniac with a GoPro
You’re ready to run off into the woods with a philosophy degree and a litre of cider. That’s valid. Adventure calls—just make sure it’s not a scam or an invite to a “wellness rave” in Milton Keynes.

Fish recommends: Take a different route to the pub. Destiny might be lurking near the bins.

♑ Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)

Planetary Mood: Spreadsheets & suppressed rage
You’re focused. Efficient. Completely ignoring your own emotional needs. Again. Try expressing a feeling before your skull fuses with your laptop. Or at least scream into a bread roll.

Spiritual tip: Crying is not weakness. Unless you’re doing it during bowls finals. Then it’s just poor form.

♒ Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)

Planetary Mood: Rebel librarian on roller skates
You’ve got ideas so weird even the stars are confused. Midweek brings a moment of genius—write it down before you lose it to a rogue sock or TikTok hole. Someone’s watching you closely this week. They’re either impressed… or concerned.

Fish says: Stop explaining yourself. Just wink and leave.

♓ Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)

Planetary Mood: Sentimental wizard energy
You’re full of feelings, theories, and possibly someone else’s memories. Big emotional breakthroughs possible this week—especially if you finally confront that dream where the moon keeps offering you soup.

Lucky snack: A biscuit that reminds you of your childhood and/or a pirate.

🪐 FINAL COSMIC WORD FROM FISH:

This week, the stars are wearing mismatched sandals and quoting song lyrics at pigeons. Trust your instincts, water your metaphorical plants, and remember: the universe doesn’t know what it’s doing either. It just has better lighting.

Stay unruly,
– Fish 🍺🧦🎸