🧦📚BANNED BOOKS & BARSTOOL REBELLION
The 8 Books America Doesn’t Want You to Read—But We Do
A Sockman & Fish Exclusive | The Rinse Report | Banned But Well Bowled
SOCKMAN (narrating over heavy guitar):
Once upon a freedom-loving Tuesday, Fish and I were in the Shafe Fortress of Frothitude, sipping lukewarm ale and arguing about whether Orwell would’ve played bass in Slayer. That’s when it hit us—like a librarian with a grudge and a crossbow full of overdue notices.
FISH:
“Oi Socko… they’re banning books again. Not just the usual ones. They’ve gone full bonkers—Octavia Butler’s out. Toni Morrison? In the bin. Sally Rooney? Fined for feelings!”
We spat out our pints. Not because of the censorship. Because someone put a gherkin in my ale. But the point stands:
BOOK BANS ARE BACK. AND THIS TIME, THEY’VE GOT CLIPBOARDS.
The Blasphemous Books of Bannedville
Here are the 8 books the U.S. powers-that-be want to stuff in a firepit behind a suspiciously well-funded school board. And what they’re actually about, according to our totally sober readthroughs.
1. Parable of the Sower – Octavia E. Butler
Official Reason Banned: Climate panic, religious themes, and too much thinking.
Fish’s Summary:
> “The planet’s cooked, the President’s an orange clown, and the main character invents a new religion based on empathy. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Like a prophecy channelled through a toaster.”
Sockman’s Verdict:
> This book isn’t dangerous—it’s a bloody blueprint. Butler wrote it 30 years ago, and she still nailed Crumpian politics, billionaire bunkers, and rising sea levels. You ban this, you’re just scared the kids might start organising.
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
2. The Bluest Eye – Toni Morrison
Official Reason Banned: Themes of incest, abuse, and systemic racism.
Real Reason:
> “America can’t handle being told it’s been ugly for a long time,” says Fish, while applying eyeliner for no reason.
Sockman’s Socknote:
> This novel should be required reading at every school, town hall, and dodgy beard salon. It’s not about making you feel good—it’s about making you understand. You ban Morrison, you ban truth with poetic jazz.
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
3. The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Official Reason Banned: Sexual violence, “disturbing” war scenes.
Unofficial Reason:
> Someone read a book about Afghanistan and felt things. Big mistake.
Fish’s Furious Take:
> “Oh, heaven forbid the kids learn empathy for a country they bombed during snack time!”
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
4. Normal People – Sally Rooney
Banned Because: Emotional vulnerability and consensual sex = bad.
Fish’s Pub Review:
> “Two Irish millennials experience complex emotions, which apparently is more dangerous than a Glock.”
Sockman’s Suspicion:
> Rooney’s crime? Making intimacy feel real. You can’t control people who understand each other. That’s dangerous in a surveillance democracy.
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
5. The Hate U Give – Angie Thomas
Censorship Alert: Anti-police themes, “divisive” race stuff.
Sockman’s Alarm Bell:
> If a book about a black teen navigating injustice is too much for your school, your school needs the book more than your students do.
Fish:
> “They’re not banning this book—they’re banning reality with a heartbeat.”
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
6. Gender Queer – Maia Kobabe
Public School Panic Triggered By: Nonbinary identity and… illustrated self-knowledge?!
Sockman, calmly:
> “You’re telling me a comic about someone discovering themselves is too much for teenagers but watching seven hours of TikTok cosmetic surgery montages is fine?”
Fish:
> “My eyebrow just resigned.”
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
7. A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo
Banned For: Bunny love.
Fish, outraged:
> “They banned a children’s book where a bunny marries another bunny because it’s gay. If that’s your villain origin story, you need less religion and more hugs.”
Sockman:
> “Also, what’s next? Ferret marriage bans? This slope’s slipperier than Fish’s underpants drawer.”
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
8. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
Back On the Chopping Block Because:
> Dystopian future where women are property? “Too political!”
Fish screams from the bathtub:
“IT’S NOT POLITICAL IF IT’S HAPPENING, YOU PLASTIC-BRAINED BOOK BURNERS!”
Sockman nods.
> “Also, it’s not a cautionary tale if you use it as a training manual.”
Buy it here on Amazon and see for yourself
THE BANNERS, THE BOARDROOMS & THE BLAME
Who’s banning these books?
PTAs With Too Much Free Time
State Senators Who Think Reading Leads to Dancing
“Moms for (Selective) Liberty”
Crump’s Literacy Task Force (3 illiterates and a gold-plated typewriter)
Why are they banning them?
Because stories are weapons. And the banned books are the ones that whisper:
> “You are not alone.”
“You can resist.”
“You deserve a voice—even if it’s loud, brown, queer, or full of poetry.”
Which is why Sockman and Fish now carry books in their utility belts alongside nunchucks and emergency pickled eggs.
SCHOOL LIBRARIES OR INTERROGATION ROOMS?
Fish on Florida:
> “They turned library cards into mugshots. You want The Bluest Eye? You better sign this form, give a urine sample, and pass a patriotism quiz.”
Sockman on Texas:
> “They replaced all the banned books with a stack of bibles and an old copy of Clifford Joins a Militia.”
—
Quote from Librarian Marge “The Shushinator” Wilkins:
> “They told me to burn The Hate U Give, so I read it out loud in detention hall instead. Every kid clapped. Then I was fired.”
SOCKMAN & FISH INTERROGATE THE SYSTEM
We disguised ourselves as Department of Education consultants (just wore khakis and didn’t swear), and infiltrated a Book Ban Board Meeting. Here’s what we uncovered:
They think Octavia Butler is a Star Wars villain.
One guy thought Normal People was a communist dating app.
They’ve never read the books. They get summaries from YouTube rants made in parked trucks.
Fish’s plan:
We publish a book called How to Ban Books Without Reading Them. It’s just blank pages and one mirror.
WHAT THE YOUTH SAY
Quotes from actual teens (or possibly Fish in a hoodie):
> “They banned Kite Runner so now I want to read it more than ever.”
“My school replaced Gender Queer with a pamphlet about puberty that ends in ‘don’t ask questions’.”
“I smuggled The Bluest Eye to my friend in a hollowed-out geometry textbook. We call it Operation Read ‘n’ Rebel.”
Sockman’s PSA:
> “Kids aren’t fragile. They’re just fed up.”
REBUILDING THE LIBRARY—ONE BANNED BOOK AT A TIME
Fish’s Initiatives:
Guerrilla Book Clubs in Bowling Alleys
Zine-Shooting Slingshots (powered by rage and rubber bands)
The Great Banned Book Pub Quiz (winner gets a tattoo of Maya Angelou riding a dragon)
Sockman’s Plans:
Launch a sock-shaped mobile library called the “Footnote Express.”
Turn banned books into protest songs performed by The Sockholes (our cover band).
Launch a new superhero: Captain Readmore, who defeats villains with literary quotes and a tattered library card.
FINAL STRIKE
Sockman’s Final Words:
> “Books are time machines. They’re bridges. They’re how you punch back against the Big Lie, the Big Silence, and the Big Crump. If they fear a book—it means it’s worth reading.”
Fish’s Final Shout (from the pub roof):
> “READ EVERYTHING THEY TELL YOU NOT TO. THEN READ MORE. THEN WRITE YOUR OWN. THEN MAKE THEM WISH THEY’D TAUGHT YOU EARLY.”
⚠️ THE RINSE REPORT: CLASSIFIED READING LIST
Parable of the Sower – If you’re breathing air and feeling despair.
The Bluest Eye – For those who need to remember that beauty isn’t sold, it’s told.
Kite Runner – If you’ve ever felt guilt, grief, or been kicked by history.
Gender Queer – If you think knowing yourself should be illegal, read it twice.
The Hate U Give – Required before tweeting anything about justice.
Normal People – For those who feel too much and say too little.
Marlon Bundo – Because love should be fluffy and fearless.
The Handmaid’s Tale – Because it’s not fiction anymore.
PRESIDENT CRUMP CLAIMS AUTHORSHIP OF THE HANDMAID’S TALE
Just when we thought the literary apocalypse couldn’t get any weirder, President Rumpled Crump stepped into a press conference, holding a suspiciously pristine copy of The Handmaid’s Tale like it was a menu at a steakhouse.
President Crump Offical Press Release
“People are saying I wrote this. Many smart people. It’s a tremendous book. A lot of red. Very classy. Very modest. It’s basically my autobiography. I call it The Handmaiden’s Tale—with an s—because it’s about all the handmaidens I’ve known. Mostly Miss Teen Freedom pageant winners.”
Sockman
“He said it with the confidence of a man who thinks Margaret Atwood is a Canadian steak sauce.”
Crump’s team released an official White Fortress memo later that evening claiming the novel was ghostwritten by him in 1983 under the alias “Mags A. Woodchipper”, allegedly while in “exile at a feminist writer’s retreat he bravely infiltrated for liberty.”
The Evidence?
- He claims the red cloaks were his idea, based on a bathrobe he wore once at Mar-a-Lago.
- He insists the Republic of Gilead was “inspired by a dream I had about converting Canada.”
- He says the Commander character is “loosely based on a misunderstood version of myself, except less successful.”
Fish’s Reaction:
“I haven’t heard a confession that unhinged since Buddy Bunkhole claimed he invented vowels.”
The Fallout
Within 24 hours, Fox Liberty News ran a special:
“BREAKING: Margaret Atwood — Not Real?”
“EXCLUSIVE: Is Canada Just Northern Florida?”
“CRUMP: The Feminist Founder?”
Meanwhile, Margaret Atwood herself (who very much exists) responded with a tweet that read simply:
“Absolutely not. Never met him. Wouldn’t trust him with a bookmark.”
Sockman and Fish attempted to interview her, but she reportedly fled into a mist wearing a raven mask and quoting Shakespeare while planting kale. Respect.
🔴 THE RINSE REPORT VERDICT
President Crump claiming authorship of The Handmaid’s Tale is like a ferret claiming to have invented jazz. It’s insulting, delusional, and probably infectious.
Sockman’s Final Line:
“This isn’t just fake news—it’s literary identity theft on a Cheeto-scented scale.”
Fish, staring into the camera:
“Read banned books. Trust no wigs. Margaret Atwood is real—and Crump wouldn’t last ten pages in her dystopia.”
This has been a Sockman & Fish investigation, brought to you by banned books, bowling alleys, and the furious joy of free thought. Stay loud. Stay weird. And remember…
IF IT’S BANNED, IT’S PROBABLY BRILLIANT.
“Tonight’s News—Lightly Rinsed, Heavily Shouted At.”
About the Author
