In a dramatic rooftop press conference held atop a condemned sandwich shop, Sockman, protector of the weird and scourge of condiments, took a bold stance:
“I hereby declare war… on mayonnaise.”
Gasps rippled through the crowd of pigeons, journalists, and one very confused hot dog vendor.
“It’s not just a condiment. It’s a menace. A gloopy, white, fridge-dwelling chaos agent that’s been lying in wait. It’s time someone took a stand.”
Sockman then dramatically unrolled a scroll labeled “Operation: Egg Yolk Reckoning.”
Fish Responds: “I thought he was joking. He was not joking.”
Fish, Sockman’s ale-chugging, metal-loving, bowling-addicted sidekick, spoke from behind a stack of suspicious sandwiches:
“He punched a jar of mayo right out of a guy’s hand at Subway. Screamed ‘YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.’ I thought we were just hangry. Nope. Full-blown condiment crusade.”
Fish has since been appointed as Minister of Gravy Defense, which he describes as “the only trustworthy sauce in a post-mayo world.”
The Mayonnaise Threat
Sockman alleges mayonnaise has infiltrated modern life:
- Hidden in innocent-sounding “aioli”
- Masquerading as “salad dressing”
- Weaponized in deviled eggs
“It’s everywhere. Sandwiches. Potato salads. Coleslaw! Have you tasted betrayal? It tastes like mayo.”
He also released blurry surveillance images showing what appears to be a jar of Hellmann’s peering around a corner wearing sunglasses.
“Coincidence? I don’t think so.”
The First Strike
Sockman launched his assault by sneaking into local supermarkets and placing warning stickers on every mayonnaise jar:
- “CONTAINS TRAITOR JUICE”
- “DO NOT CONSUME WITHOUT A LAWYER PRESENT”
- “IS THIS EVEN FOOD?”
Clashes soon erupted in deli aisles. One man was lightly slapped with a baguette. Another tried to replace all mayo jars with hummus and was tackled by a rogue Egg Salad Enthusiast named Doris.
The United Nations Responds
UN officials met in emergency session. Canada abstained. France offered to mediate using Dijon diplomacy. The UK asked if “this also includes salad cream.”
Sockman replied with a single word: “Yes.”
Fish’s Counter-Initiative: “Spread Love, Not Spreadables”
While supportive of Sockman’s campaign, Fish offered a more balanced message:
“I get it. Mayo’s creepy. It jiggles in a way that feels… wrong. But let’s remember, not all white goo is evil. Some of it’s just confused.”
Fish is now working on an educational program titled:
“Mayo Happens: A Survivor’s Guide”, featuring dramatic reenactments and surprise ranch dressing cameos.
Final Words from the Front Lines
Sockman:
“I will not rest until every mayonnaise jar is neutralized, every picnic is safe, and every egg salad is accountable for its actions.”
Fish:
“I’ll support him, but if he touches my tartar sauce, I’m switching sides.”
Stay tuned for next week’s coverage:
Sockman vs. Cottage Cheese — “It’s Lumpy. It’s Suspicious. It Knows What It Did.”
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