—
Fish’s Heavy Metal Horoscope — Week of August 4, 2025
Aries ♈
This week, you’re like a bowling ball on a freshly waxed lane — unstoppable, shiny, and dangerously close to smashing into a pensioner’s gin and tonic. A sudden opportunity will appear, but it’ll be dressed in something ridiculous, like a Hawaiian shirt in November. Grab it anyway. Bonus: Your lucky ale this week is Old Grumbleguts IPA.
Taurus ♉
You’ve been holding back lately, Taurus, like a bassist who refuses to slap. Enough. Crank the amp, tell that neighbour to stuff their noise complaint where the sun doesn’t shine, and live loud. Avoid anyone wearing Crocs — their energy will ruin your vibe.
Gemini ♊
Someone will try to tempt you into a “quiet night in.” Resist. You’re a Gemini — the human equivalent of two jukeboxes fighting over which song to play. Your social life is about to hit 11, and you don’t want to miss it. Pro tip: Keep your head down around bingo halls this week.
Cancer ♋
Your emotional tides are choppier than a metalhead in a mosh pit who’s lost his shoe. Someone’s going to test your patience by mispronouncing Iron Maiden. Deep breaths. Or not — sometimes yelling “IT’S MAIDEN, YOU MUPPET” is therapy.
Leo ♌
Happy birthday season, you glorious keg of chaos. The spotlight’s yours, and so is the bill — but at least you’ll look magnificent handing over your card while pretending not to check your balance. Wear something that says, “Yes, I headbang, and yes, I own a lawn bowls trophy.”
Virgo ♍
You’ll feel the urge to organise everything in sight — your spice rack, your record collection, your neighbour’s recycling. But be warned: meddling in other people’s chaos could start a turf war. Channel the energy into perfecting your pint-pouring technique instead.
Libra ♎
Someone will drag you into an argument over something stupid — like which pub has the best jukebox. Stay diplomatic until they insult your choice, then unleash the fury of a man denied his favourite song. Also, don’t trust anyone offering “discounted tequila.”
Scorpio ♏
Your intensity is unmatched this week, like a drummer with too many energy drinks. People will either be drawn to you or terrified. Use this power wisely — or at least for free pints. Big decisions ahead: choose between “responsible” and “hilarious.” You already know which way you’re leaning.
Sagittarius ♐
The travel bug’s biting again. Unfortunately, your wallet says “local bus route” rather than “world tour.” No matter — adventure is everywhere, especially if you start a pub crawl that nobody asked for but everyone needed.
Capricorn ♑
Work’s been grinding you down, but this week you’ll remember why you put up with it: payday. Don’t blow it all at once, unless it’s on something truly magnificent, like a life-size cardboard cut-out of Lemmy.
Aquarius ♒
You’ll have a genius idea this week, possibly involving beer, fireworks, and questionable legality. Run it past a friend who can at least talk you down from the really stupid bits. Bonus: Friday night’s looking epic.
Pisces ♓
You’re feeling dreamy and creative, but also easily distracted — like me halfway through a pint when someone mentions bowling. Get your head in the game. This week’s about turning that weird idea in your head into reality. Yes, even if it involves glitter.
—
If you want, I can also prep Week of August 11 now so you’ve got them ready in advance. Want me to do that?
About the Author
