Buddy Bunkhole

Buddy Bunkhole

Nickname: The Hollow Prophet
Hometown: Booger Hollow, Arkansas
Occupation: Self-proclaimed prophet, freelance whittler, conspiracy consultant


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🔥 Biography:

Buddy Bunkhole was born under a flickering bug zapper during a thunderstorm in Booger Hollow, Arkansas—a town famous for its double-decker outhouse and its annual “Possum Whispering” competition. The product of a long, loving, and genetically redundant family line, Buddy emerged into the world with a mason jar in one hand and a strong opinion in the other.

Buddy didn’t attend school, but claims to have been “homeschooled by the Holy Spirit and the Weather Channel.” His worldview was shaped by late-night radio, expired beef jerky, and roadside revivals where he often mistook lightning bugs for divine messages.

By age 9, he had duct-taped a King James Bible to a squirrel trap and declared himself a prophet of the First Church of Loud Opinions and Poor Hygiene. Now, in his adult years (which may have started at 13 and never quite finished), Buddy travels the country in a spray-painted golf cart named The Revelation Rover, delivering unintelligible sermons, false end-time predictions, and critiques of government microwave towers.


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📖 Key Beliefs:

The Earth is “Bible-flat” except on leap years.

Bowling is either “the Lord’s holy thunder” or “Satan’s lazy horseshoes,” depending on the lane oil.

Fish is a “demonic noise-summoner with pagan headphones.”

Lord Quietude is “a whisper demon sent to test our earholes.”

Sockman is “maybe the Messiah, maybe a laundry appliance—it’s unclear.”



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🐾 Notable Traits:

Keeps a pet raccoon named Pastor Nibbles, trained to detect “government cheese.”

Once baptized a goat using a six-pack of expired Bud Light.

Yells “Amen!” in the middle of strangers’ conversations.

Believes any disagreement is “persecution” and any agreement is “a sign of the end times.”



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📣 Famous Misquotes of Scripture:

“He who smelt it, dealt it – Leviticus something-or-other.”

“And the Lord said unto Moses: ‘Pull my finger.’”

“Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and keep the coupons.”

“In the beginning, there was light beer. And it was good.”



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🤝 Enemies:

Librarians (“gatekeepers of the silent Illuminati”)

Fish (for “bowling too loud near a church picnic”)

Lord Quietude (whom Buddy calls “the Silent Plague of the Left Ear”)

People who fact-check

Librarians (“gatekeepers of the silent Illuminati”)

Fish (for “bowling too loud near a church picnic”)

Lord Quietude (whom Buddy calls “the Silent Plague of the Left Ear”)

People who fact-check